?

Log in

man cub's Journal

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010
10:59 pm
hello journal. it's been a long time. i think i've been avoiding you because i just have the same things to say. i've been trying to be happy. trying to think good thoughts. as always. i even got a hypnosis cd that is surprisingly.. working out. i think the key is to be super sleepy already when you listen. and to not have anyone else in the room to laugh at you trying to do it. i did it on my lunch break the other day, fantastic. i'm having a really interesting time with differences lately. and trying to step back and not think that all the ways i think are the right ways. even tho i do, otherwise i wouldn't be thinking like that? but it's weird getting bothered that someone is bothered with something dumb.. when my actual point that i was trying to get across was don't get bothered with dumb stuff. hmm.

(1 comment | comment on this)

Sunday, December 20th, 2009
12:38 am
so, i thought i hit kind of a new low tonight but it turns out it didn't even work. with the boyfriend out of town, and my go to boy-loving-boy bestie gone as well.. i had to come to terms with the reality (well, for this particular time/space moment anyhow).. that i don't really have.. like... people to.... you know. friends. that i can just call anyway. i've just not left my apartment for days. and it's adorable here now so i can pretend to just be rapunzel for a while. and i'm trying hard not to be jealous of the people that are better at having fun. but i think it's easier when there's snow. so i'm going to little by little reach for the better thought and hopefully wake up tomorrow happy and excited. and i will.

current mood: grumpy

(comment on this)

Saturday, August 22nd, 2009
9:13 pm
i feel like i've been clenching my jaw for a week and i can't make it feel better! i'm going to look into getting rolfed.

(comment on this)

Monday, February 11th, 2008
5:02 pm
have you ever gotten that numb feeling where it's like all of your limbs and individual organs are surrounded by a big magnetic field and it's like you're pushing away from everything? like i couldn't put my arms down to my side and my heart was being squished from all sides. have you ever been hit in the face really hard? and there's a moment that feels like that, where you can't tell if it's a fatal wound, bleeding, broken and you're about to die, or if it's nothing at all. i have dreams like that a lot. i called my dad the other night, walking home, because the temperature and color of the air reminded me of an exact moment with him when i was little. in the parking lot at cindy's, with my oliver and company coloring book. he called the next day to say thank you for letting him know i was happy, because he was not happy then. and it was good to know it didn't rub off. then sitting in my window sill smoking a camel, as wind beneath my wings came on.. i was back there again, this time at her piano in my swimming suit playing with the cats. and i wrote him a letter, a long long letter, because if he doesn't know- he should. it's good to be loved so much forever and ever, by the best guy ever, no less.

(1 comment | comment on this)

Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
3:40 pm
the eye doctor said to me today that i have the most amazing eyes she's ever seen. like a kaleidoscope with blue, green and gold beads, and that i must be in a good mood. i said to her that i had just seen a man with an opossum on his shoulder waiting for the bus and maybe she's right. she was looking very close, tho. and i will have my glasses soon.

current mood: optimistic

(1 comment | comment on this)

Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
9:56 pm
i had a great desire today to get to the heart of things. the feeling that maybe i've even been lying to myself about what i really want left me a little unnerved. last night at barolo an english boy who i have been running into a lot lately asked some really good questions. and i thought about my answers this time. i'm not sure what i said. i know i can have whatever i want, and i think i have been wanting the wrong things and feeling bad about not getting them. and that's why i feel like this. maybe repitition is the key to communication for me, in addition to brevity.. i want to sort it out. i want to be able to sit in my apartment alone watching christmas movies and decorating my tree happily knowing that everything is going to be just right. things should and do work out magnificently for me. i wish i was less careful with my words. i wish you were less careful with yours. i wish it was okay to say things even if you mean a million other things, too. just keep going. it never ends and that is good. i'm excited all of a sudden, that i feel better. i hope to be able to look at things i want and feel hopeful and not jealous. i'm going to think more and write more. and talk more. and get out more. and cry lessss. i happy cried a couple times today, i am an emotional mess! love you, wishing the best for us all. xoxo

(comment on this)

Sunday, November 18th, 2007
5:17 pm
i can't find that right path for more than a fleeting moment here and there. i try to keep going but i always end up turning around for some god awful reason or another and then i'm lost again. who would've thought that we'd both admit to wanting the same things at the same time? i guess it is all just about perspective if i find that at all comforting, because it should really be the same either way, right? i was reading about dreams the other day. and how your mind just searches thru the catalogues of your brain to find old images that match what you're feeling now as closely as it can. and i find myself repeating the same scenarios and i'd like to add new ones.

(comment on this)

Thursday, November 15th, 2007
2:42 pm
i can't tell if i feel more or less important, more or less small, more or less anything when i remember that we all started as a twinkle in our mother's eye. and when things seem so big, like shimmering skyscrapers in neon lit cities, that were once just ideas as well, that we have all of these ideas that big in our heads.. buildings filled with thousands of people and noise and shuffling papers, all in my mind as i sit in silence. i just want to be in love and forget. or maybe remember, but not worry. i just want one thing to make me feel not alone, for (maybe) ever. one thing that will stay. so i can relax for a minute. i heard about a young man who has been married since he was a teenager, has one son with another on the way, and that he is so in love with his wife. and if work is shitty, he comes home and is happy. is it wrong for things to be that simple? why couldn't we have that?

(comment on this)

Thursday, November 1st, 2007
7:15 pm
so, there's something to be said, and something not to be said.. about saying things and not saying things and your days blurring into one another and spiraling into complete control of your life. i am a regular part time employee. i have to work on christmas eve. and by have to i don't really mean haaave to. but, hey. in terms of feeling boring and awful, i can't decide whether it's good to look around and feel better or close my eyes and do better. i'd say the latter, but i think i'm doing pretty okay. i surround myself with tangible things that probably won't disappear that remind me of intangible things that are already hard to remember. when did it start being not okay to lay my head in the crook of my dad's arm while he reads me books i can hardly comprehend? and to ask my grandma to carry me? i don't remember the transition. i remember coming to my her house one day and being able to see the norwegian aluminum tin where she kept gum and candy on top of her refrigerator, and i don't think i could the week before. maybe that was it. and how she used to play down to me in scrabble and how i play down my life to her now. or maybe just simplify. sunshine and smiles. john and yoko. i need to stop trying so hard.

(2 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, August 16th, 2007
1:59 pm
toughen up, little girl. you're only sad if you let yourself be. i don't know why it just feels appropriate to be like this. a mess. i know i could be happy. but i should be sad so i am.. but i think i should stop soon. this is has lost it's charm. i used to dream about having something tragic happen and calling you crying, but it's not as romantic when it's because of you and it's a guy behind a bus asking what's wrong. it'll be okay. i just feel like i don't want to leave everything so tangled. but unravelling everything right now, i don't know, might not be worth it. we'll see. i'll just drink too much some more.

(3 comments | comment on this)

Saturday, July 21st, 2007
5:42 pm
well well. i've been doing a lot more paper writing lately and that makes me happy. maybe i'm getting over my need for validation. more likely not, and that's perfectly good. cause here i am again! i was wondering if possibly i was a robot, too. but i've decided i am not. i've been feeling and talking a lot. it's been good practice, for next time. i'm letting go of a lot of bad habits of resistance and remembering how exciting it all isss...! as soon as i start feeling bad, i don't. i just relax and wait for all the good things i know are on their way. the rockets have been shot into outerspace and the fireworks will rain beautiful things down on me..!

current mood: optimistic

(comment on this)

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007
1:36 pm - be useful. don't be boring.
oh, teeth. i don't know how to fix you. life could be worse. this morning after falling back asleep i was dreaming that my eyes hurt so badly to be open.. and then i slept in and didn't go to work and am not feeling guilty at all. i actually feel very good! my apartment is clean and i found forgotten pictures of us in paris and it made me excited to do that again. pictures. and paris. and jars and paint and not working at pemco! i knew the library would make it all better. full of such hope it is. i also.. tried to.. cut my own hair..
..bad idea. it just never looks right when i do it to myself. fortunately i had the forethought to cut a large section right in the front. hm.
it's still so confusing to be still so undecided. i just try to keep happy thoughts in my mind and i know it will all be perfect. oh and before my eyes dream i had one where i was going to jail and very concerned with washing my face. and i kept dreaming that i woke up and was like.. wait, did i dream that i have to go to jail or do i really have to go to jail? i had absolutely no idea and neither did anyone else. worrisome.
i think i've been drinking too much. i would like medical insurance.

(2 comments | comment on this)

Friday, June 8th, 2007
9:35 pm - hey look!
internet in my bedroom! in my living room! i was so in want of a nap all day and now not so much. wish i wasn't working, i'd like to take a stand against my anti socializing tonight. maybe i'll venture out. kind of late. hm.

current mood: anxious

(comment on this)

Friday, May 25th, 2007
2:42 pm
i can change this right now. i feel sick to my stomach for no good reason. i don't think there ever is a good reason, unless you like it. which i'm still on the fence about. but i'm pretty sure i'd rather be happier right now. i haven't wallowed for a while. i just had a bad feeling about it all. i don't know. but i will pretend i know.

(comment on this)

Saturday, May 19th, 2007
1:17 am
some things are just crazy. and completely beyond my capability to grasp. just memories, if they ever really happened, and thoughts. and is this not how it started before? and do you remember what came next? step one) be pathetic step two) be crazy step three) leave. i think i brought you back, just once, by the smell of my neck alone. but after the charm of the ambulance and hospital beds wore off so did everything else. and it's all perfect, just how it is now, today. every day if i please. so i don't know why this makes me so sad. that was the part i didn't understand, how you didn't understand me but i loved you anyway. how you wore horrible clothes and smoked pot everyday and drank too much and pushed me away and called me crying and made me cry and walked away again. and i still loved you? i thought maybe there was something maybe even a little more special about it being hard, that there must be something there if we keep coming back. but i guess easy is good and you're happy and i'm just, well, not even bitter. i'm happy. this will just always hurt a little. and tonight i will retell myself the story that feels good and wake up and do what feels good. maybe go for a run and get a new dress. i just can't think about this observation of the moment anymore. it has no bearing on tomorrow.

(comment on this)

Monday, May 14th, 2007
4:14 pm
today, after a challenging lunch in the park, i was pretty much stumped when thinking of a reply "i'm happy today because..." text . BUT. i made something up, believed in it, and it came true. i can go on now. because i am and always will be everything to everyone (even if only in my head). amazing how selfishly comforting that is. work went by fast, i thought of other things i might like to do. i imagined a wonderful night that may be postponed to another. but it involved walking and talking and drinking and watching the sun set, inspired by one of the most beautiful moments i'd ever intruded on while walking thru queen anne one evening. anyway, all is wonderful and my apartment is finally pink. i think i forgot to mention that before. love you all dearly.

(comment on this)

Saturday, May 12th, 2007
1:55 pm - 355 mL
i had a funny daydream that reminded me of that class that i hated, but loved going to alone in the middle of the night. i had the key to the art building and could wash the most beautiful colors down the sink. all so pretty but a little mucky when they all run together at once. if you know what i mean. and you don't. but ohhh well. i've been happy thoughts all the time but i find myself on the brink of crying with ease more than ever. i don't really understand, makes me wonder if i'm really happy or just good at pretending. no, i'm pretty sure i'm happy. i just like crying. and i think when i'm thinking like this that you are too, and when i was thinking love so were you. but maybe you're still thinking like before and i'm just crazy. i like when people understand, or when i think they do. and i get bitter when people don't, and i ball up around myself defensively. i'm excited to think about traveling more. i'm excited at the prospect of relief. i'm excited about universal laws. no exceptions, it is law.

current mood: good

(2 comments | comment on this)

Friday, April 27th, 2007
4:18 pm
i think maybe this is healthier, to not miss you with desperation. i was worried a little when i remembered that this isn't how i used to be. but that was not a good place. i almost sent a text to ask you to always be in my life and then i think, even if it's still hard, i'll be okay with us not being how we were. just don't go completely. please. but new things i can picture. and i can't even begin to imagine all the things that make me happy that i don't even know about yet. tomorrow.

(comment on this)

Thursday, April 12th, 2007
5:53 pm
i was happy to think, if even for just a moment while jaywalking through a crosswalk, in patterns unfamiliar. like tenth grade, it's been a long time. i'm still worried, quite frankly, that i have nothing to say. outloud or otherwise. but again, i remembered that i just need to clear my mind in the morning, maybe before the washing routine has its way with me all over again, and imagine about what it would be like to be brilliant.
having a quarter hour of the day described as soupy and magical was just perfect. it made me want to play marbles with my brother, too.

i am tired of being a slave to bobby pins. they all of a sudden seem very unnatural and conspicuous. they tell people, anybody, myself, loudly that i am not okay with just being how i am. but sometimes i think they are cute and remind me of children in the sweetest possible way. guess it all depends. on my ever changing mood. i've been so weird lately (shush), and feeling increasingly pendulous in my moods. i have that underlying happiness and okayness and knowing-everything-can-be-exactly-what-i-want-ness but i still get so annoyed and hurt over such small things. but also endeared, like just right now, over little things. watching my boy cover up with his coat like a blanket. so sweet. well, i guess this is okay for now.

(3 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
8:06 am
aside from the obvious, the thing i may be looking forward to the most about not working again is the part where i don't eat half my weight in wheat thins and starbursts before eight am. i won't even wake up until eleven, and probably won't make it off my bed until noon. this morning i am wearing dolce & gabbana underpants. i didn't think it would have any effect but i really do feel a little bit fancy. i get homesick just dreaming about going away. not good. too attached. today is my friday and i'm pretty sure it will be a lot of fun. i used to care about making sentences flow together. i apparently don't anymore. maybe tomorrow.

(2 comments | comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page
LiveJournal.com